Part III: Clue-less
by starcrest
Summary: The Gundam characters play Clue and Treize tries to figure out who killed Mr.Relena... really weird serious Relena bashing...Rated R for suggestive themes and Zechs shopping at Victoria's secret...a few mistakes, but not enough that shouldn't be ignored.


This has to be the funniest one I've come up with…this was originally part 4, but I didn't like part three so I got rid of it. By the way, Poopie is Quatre's pet homeless man, and he was a little too friendly with Trowa…  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: The Gundam boys and Clue do not belong to me… don't sue… do we really need to write this part? Everyone pretty much knows it's not ours anyway… Poopie belongs to me. Don't try to steal him, got it?  
  
  
  
Starcrest: Are you feeling okay, Trowa?  
  
Trowa: (*throwing up into the toilet*)  
  
Heero: What happened to Trowa? I haven't seen him like this since the last time when we saw Relena kiss him at that Halloween party when he dressed up like me…  
  
Duo: That wasn't you?! Trowa, you bastard, why didn't you tell me that?!  
  
Starcrest: Oops, cat's outta the bag. And to think that I thought he'd never find out about that…  
  
Quatre: Has anyone seen Poopie?  
  
Trowa: (* gargles with water then wipes his mouth on his sleeve*) Yeah, I just sent the little bugger to the pound for adoption. He liked me way too much.  
  
Quatre: (*sobbing*) Why, Trowa, why?  
  
Heero: Doesn't the fact that he was just puking his face out a minute ago give you a clue?  
  
Starcrest: Heero!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
1 Part III: Clue-less  
  
  
  
When Detective Treize arrived, all the suspects were in the living room as they were supposed to be. He studied them all: A Japanese boy with a shotgun. An American boy with really long hair holding a piece of broken glass covered in blood. A European boy with one bang covering his eye and a lion. A feminine blonde boy holding a ferret that was foaming at the mouth. A girl with bouncy brown hair wielding a knife between each pair of fingers. A man of about 19 with long silver-ish hair embracing a woman of about the same age with blue hair. One of his family members with long blond hair and forky eyebrows holding a fork. A good-looking Chinese boy wearing a trench coat wielding a long sword and a cat.  
  
These were his suspects? They didn't look dangerous at all, minus one of them. He immediately suspected the cat with its long sharp claws and its ability to see in the dark. This most definitely was his criminal. But he needed to prove it.  
  
"Greetings. I am Detective Treize, and I am the one who called you here. There was a murder here last night and all of you are my suspects," he eyed the cat, which glared back at him. "A girl of about 15 years of age was murdered here in this very house. Her name," he paused to look at the suspects, who seemed very eager for some reason to see who it was, "was Relena Peacecraft. Her body was found by the neighbors laying on the side walk in the front yard."  
  
"Oh, so that's what that was? I thought it was a dead rat that Quatre's Ferret, Huffy, killed last night." Zechs said, laughing merrily.  
  
"You must see some damn huge rats out there in the Sanq kingdom, then," Duo said.  
  
There was cheering in the room and laughter. At some point, someone started singing "Ding, dong, the bitch is dead!" Which killed it and made the room go quiet.  
  
"I am going to investigate this murder, and I would like to state that whoever is responsible for the murder may reveal themselves right now to avoid twelve extra years in prison. Well?"  
  
Suddenly Heero jumped up. "I did it!" He cried out.  
  
"No you didn't, Heero, I have your card!" Quatre said, showing him the card. Everybody marked Heero down on the suspect list to mark him off.  
  
"Dammit, and I thought it was going to be me too…" he pouted.  
  
Treize explained to them how things were going to be done. Everyone would be giving him their alibi, and he would figure it out by who lied the most.  
  
"Alright," he began, "let's start with you, young man," he said to Heero.  
  
"I was in my room last night," Heero simply replied.  
  
"Doing what?"  
  
"That's none of your business."  
  
"I can tell you what he was doing last night, sir," Duo piped up.  
  
"Shut up Duo, nobody needs to know about that!" Heero snapped at him.  
  
"Oh, Heero… are you ashamed of me?" Duo cried.  
  
"Not of you…"  
  
"Barbie is a fun game. Everyone plays it at least three hundred times in their life." Duo said sympathetically, rubbing Heero's back.  
  
Heero blushed. He didn't need to tell his alibi now. Damn Duo. Death row serial rapist Ken with the red Mohawk was going to get him tonight…  
  
"I know!" Dorothy cried out, "It was Duo in the ventilation air duct thingy with the rubber band and suspicious looking piece of broken glass covered in blood!"  
  
"Nuh-uh!" Duo argued, "how the hell can a rat that big---er--- I mean, Relena fit into such a small space?"  
  
"Errr… alright then. Well, Duo? What is your alibi?"  
  
"I was sitting in the ventilation air duct thingy with my rubber band and suspicious looking piece of broken glass covered with blood." He said, holding up the piece of glass in his hand.  
  
"And what were you doing up there?"  
  
"Ummm… I was spying on Heero. I was hoping he was going to get undressed." Duo said, winking to Heero. Heero just glared back and growled revenge plots under his breath.  
  
"It wasn't Duo," Quatre said, holding up Duo's card. Duo walked over to Quatre and swiped the card from his hand.  
  
"Dammit, my eyes are a Cobalt Blue!" Duo tossed the card at Quatre.  
  
"You're not doing it right," Catherine told Quatre. "You can't tell people what cards you have."  
  
"I'm gonna do it anyway… I can't stand to see my friends taking the blame for something they didn't do…" Quatre pet his pet Ferret's head, which grabbed one of the cards and began tearing it to shreds. "No, Huffy, we don't do that. It's naughty."  
  
"I bet it was Trowa," Noin said, pointing to Trowa, who only stared at nothing. "I think he did it in the bathroom with a roll of toilet paper!"  
  
"Think about it Noin," Duo said as-a-matter-of-factly, " If she died in the bathroom, it was probably because she looked in the mirror for the first time. Duh." Everyone agreed and marked the toilet paper off the list.  
  
"Even so, Trowa could have caused it to happen with his mental telepathy." Dorothy informed everyone.  
  
"Trowa does not have mental telepathy!" Quatre cried out, suddenly.  
  
"Hey, you never know. He's so quiet all the time, so how can you tell? Can you speak mute or something?"  
  
"Yeah, actually I can."  
  
"Oh, well that explains everything."  
  
"I think Trowa should tell us what he was doing and where he was." Treize said, looking at Trowa, who finally looked at Quatre.  
  
"…" Trowa said.  
  
"Really, Trowa?" Quatre asked.  
  
"…, … … … … …" Trowa told him, making Quatre blush.  
  
"Pardon?" Duo asked, looking surprised. "What did he just say?"  
  
"He was looking for me but just gave up and took a shower instead. After he was finished he went to the library to read when he found a lock of honey gold hair on the floor. He says he kicked it in the trash thinking it was Relena's and went back to reading. Besides, I think Huffy just tore up his card."  
  
"Oh," was everybody's answer.  
  
"But wait, what made you blush like that?" Duo asked.  
  
"Well, the reason he was looking for me and the reason he (*cough*) took a cold shower."  
  
Trowa went back to staring at nothing, somewhat oblivious to the fact everyone was staring at him and Quatre.  
  
"If it wasn't Trowa, Duo, and especially Heero, then it was… Quatre, in the backyard with his Ferret Huffy!"  
  
Duo ran to Quatre and patted him on the back. "Good job, Quatre, I knew you had that killing instinct in you the whole time!"  
  
"Duo, as much as I appreciate your praise, I didn't do it. I don't think Huffy did it either. He wouldn't go near her anyway," Quatre said sadly, removing Duo's hand from his shoulder.  
  
"Dammit, Quatre! And here I thought you'd finally become a manly man!" Duo stormed off over to Heero and sat down on his lap. Heero pushed him off and Duo landed on his tooshie. Instead of whining, Duo turned around and put his head in Heero's lap. "It's alright, Heero, I like being on my knees anyway." He purred. The two were ignored.  
  
"He's got a point. What about Wufei? He could have killed her in the tree house with his sword and then let her drop to the ground and the rolled her through a few bushes to the front yard so that she was found by the neighbors in the morning," Catherine said.  
  
"No, that's not logical. There weren't any earthquakes last night," Dorothy told her.  
  
"You've got a point there. That means that Wufei did it in the backyard with explosives with a cardboard cut out of Heero taped to it, which means that as soon as Relena saw it, she ran to it, setting the bomb off and causing world destruction that killed the dinosaurs!"  
  
"That didn't happed either. There aren't any Heero cardboard cutouts big enough to cover a bomb big enough to blow Relena at least three feet back. They're all life sized." Dorothy corrected her again.  
  
"Oh, then that means Wufei---"  
  
"Enough, onna! I did not kill anyone or anything! I was asleep last night. You know, like what normal people do?"  
  
All of a sudden, Huffy started choking. Quatre patted his back and he finally swallowed whatever he was trying to hack up. "It wasn't Wufei, you guys. Huffy just ate his card too."  
  
"Oh, then what about Noin? Or Zechs?" Catherine asked.  
  
"We were in the Sanq kingdom, dumbass, we couldn't have done it. That's where we live. Besides, we were shopping at Victoria's secret for sexy under garments for a sexy Zechs!" Noin said hugging Zechs. Zechs blushed as everyone except Heero gagged. Instead, Heero was smiling at Zechs, seemingly thinking about something…  
  
"What about you, Catherine? You seem to be good at accusing everyone else? Where were you?" Zechs said, glaring at the girl.  
  
"I bet she did it in the kitchen with all her knives!" Dorothy said.  
  
"I didn't do it! I was in the kitchen, but I was making delicious food for everyone!" Catherine protested.  
  
"Then it was poison chicken soup that killed her!" Duo said, his head shooting up from Heero's lap. "You did it quick and---" Duo voice was muffled as Heero put his hand to the back of his head and made Duo go back to his previous actions.  
  
"I told you not to stop!" Heero growled.  
  
Once again, they were ignored, save Zechs, who was staring with curiosity at the two.  
  
"Well, Catherine, Noin, and Zechs didn't do it. That leaves Dorothy."  
  
"Alright, alright, I know this seems suspicious, but I promise, I didn't do it. I have as good an alibi as all of you." She said, standing up and presenting her fork. "I was eating Catherine's delicious food and----" She dropped dead, not saying anymore.  
  
"I told you it was poisoned!" Quatre cried out.  
  
"No you didn't, Duo did." Noin told him.  
  
"Well, he's kinda busy right, now, so I thought I'd say it for him."  
  
"Oh," was all Noin's reply.  
  
Pretty soon, an argument broke out.  
  
"Trowa did it!"  
  
"No, we just said he didn't! Quatre had his card!"  
  
"Why couldn't Heero have just done it? It would have been easier that way!"  
  
"Wufei probably did it!"  
  
"I told you I was sleeping, baka!"  
  
"Yeah, sleeping with her! It was probably so much of a shock that she ran outside and died!"  
  
"I'll kill you Maxwell!"  
  
"Omae o Korusu!"  
  
"No, Heero don't!"  
  
"Mmmm, Trowa, that feels good…"  
  
"…"  
  
"Yeah, of course!"  
  
"We went through all the suspects already! None of us did it!"  
  
Treize was getting frustrated. "Everyone just… SHUT UP!"  
  
Everyone was quiet. "Now, we haven't done all the suspects yet!"  
  
Everyone gasped.  
  
"Who have we forgotten?" Quatre asked, looking at Treize.  
  
Treize pointed at the cat. "He did it!"  
  
"Good, kitty, kitty," Wufei said picking up the cat.  
  
"How the Hell does a cat kill some one?" Duo asked.  
  
"Ah ha! You're not thinking logically. If you think about it, who has access to every room in the house?"  
  
"The cat!" Everyone said in unison.  
  
"Who can see in the dark and has built in sharp claws and teeth, not needing to use a weapon?"  
  
"I do!" Duo yelled. Heero smacked him in the back of the head and Duo sat down.  
  
"The cat!" Treize answered for everyone. "Well," he said, turning to the cat, "Do you want to come out clean and say you did it in cold blood?"  
  
The cat jumped out of Wufei's arms and paced around in circles.  
  
"Meow!" It, er, said. "Meow mowwmeow meow meow purr hiss hiss purr."  
  
Treize gasped. "You fiend!"  
  
"Meow meow meow moww moww meow," It said jumping back into Wufei's arms.  
  
"He's right, Mr. detective," Duo said to Treize.  
  
"Yeah, let him go. It wasn't his fault," Quatre said, scratching behind Huffy's ear.  
  
"…" Trowa said, petting his lion.  
  
Treize thought for a minute and then agreed. "You guys are right. I'm sorry Mr. kitty cat. I guess it's not your fault you're blind in one eye and thought you saw a gigantic rat. Hell, if I were a cat and I saw a rat that big, I'd sure as Hell go for the kill. Case dismissed." He said, leaving.  
  
After the detective left, Heero invited Duo to play a game of Barbie, Quatre and Trowa ran off to somewhere in the mansion, Noin and Zechs went home, and Catherine stayed in the room they were all interrogated in. Nobody seemed to notice the smile on her face as she dragged Dorothy's body to the kitchen… 


End file.
